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Over the last several weeks, we have been exploring how God’s word addresses bullying, specifically from the perspective of the bully. In the following weeks, we will be exploring how Scripture addresses bullying from the perspective of the one being bullied. The one being bullied should take heart and pursue righteousness in their situation based upon four main topics, which we will explore each week: Responsibility and Sovereignty, Personal Peace and Purity, Right Appeals to Authority, & the Resolve to Persevere. We will conclude our series with a reminder of the identity and security of the believer who bullies others or who is bullied by others.
“The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law” (Dt. 29:29). When we are the recipients of bullies’attempts to target us with humiliation, we are introduced to a slippery slope of response. Ken Sande, in his book, The Peacemaker, describes it like this, “There are three basic ways people respond to conflict. These responses may be arranged on a curve that resembles a hill. On the left slope of the hill we find the escape responses to conflict. On the right side there are the attack responses. And in the center we find the peacemaking responses.”[1] Sande goes on to explain that anytime we are faced with a difficult conflict or dilemma, we stand upon this icy slope and, depending upon our view of God, we can slide either way. Ultimately, we want to stay atop this slope, faithfully making a Christ-exalting response. But as said before, the crucial factor that determines this is our current understanding of God. So the question is posed, “Does God know about this?”
One of the most treasured truths about our God is that He is sovereign. As a popular theologian once put it, “”There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: ‘Mine!'”[2] Put a better way, Paul writes
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. (Col 1:15-18)
Notice this beautiful truth, that as Christ is head over all things, He is also head over the church. In all things He is preeminent. This means that the same one whom God has appointed Master over governing officials and empires, He has also appointed as the Head of the Church! In other words, what have we to fear? “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom 8:31) Does God know about your “friend” spreading false rumors about you? Does God know that you are getting beat up for apparently no reason? Does God know that groups of girls are ganging up against you to ruin your reputation as you know it? This text suggest that not only does He know it, but He is in control over how far He will allow it to go.
The question comes, “Why has He allowed it to go this far?” To this, I believe, God gives you the only answer you need to know. Peter, in writing to Christians who were persecuted, explicitly for their faith, writes to encourage them and guide them, saying, “In this [the past, present, and future effects of God’s salvation] you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:6-7, emphasis mine). Simply put: testing reveals genuineness. Applied to being bullied, how you think, feel, and respond to being bullied has everything to do with your relationship to God – and it will show its genuineness in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Will you grab ahold of all the blessings and promises of God and trust in your Creator and Savior? Or, will you take matters into your own hands and slide down to either side of the slippery slope? Once Paul asks the question in Romans 8:31, his next question injects a shot of relief and joy in the ears of his audience, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (8:32) The God who is sovereign over all, who has shown His ultimate love in offering His Son up for your sins, has also abundantly given you all things you need to face the situations He allows in your life.
So, since our God is sovereign and for His people, how are we to be responsible over our situation? The next few posts will explore different ways that God opens up for us to be responsible. I need to stress that each of the ways we exert our responsibility needs to be grounded in a character that aligns with Christ. Roles and responsibilities that are carried out apart from the identity and character we have in Christ will be done foolishly and dangerously. Christ’s purchase of his disciples by his death and resurrection, his example of love and sacrificial servitude by his life, and the indwelling of his Spirit by his ascension all must stir in our minds and hearts as we carry out the responsibilities he gives to us.
[1] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Conflict, (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 22-23. For a more teen-oriented version, see Ken Sande and Kevin Johnson, The Peacemaker: Handling Conflict without Fighting Back or Running Away, (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2008).
[2] Abraham Kuyper: A Centennial Reader, ed. James D. Bratt (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1998), 488. Quote from Kuyper’s inaugural address at the dedication of the Free University of Amsterdam.
“Truly this man was the Son of God!” In Jesus’ time, a common way to execute a criminal that was not a Roman citizen was to crucify him. Today, crucifixes are worn around the neck, on bracelets or anklets as pendants, all over T-shirts, or on any part of the skin as a tattoo. It’s interesting how things change over time. It’s more interesting to hear this quote in the context it is spoken. A few hours after nailing Jesus to the cross, this Roman centurion[1] observed Jesus give up his life, crying out with his final breath, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” (Lk. 23:46) and “It is finished” (Jn. 19:30). This made an immediate impact upon the soldier for at least two reasons. First, it was unheard of that a crucified man would die that early in the process. It could take several days for a man to die by crucifixion, since the way one dies is by slow asphyxiation. Crucifixion was meant to be a tool for warning and humiliation for all criminals to see, which is why it was performed on a hillside, so all passing by got the memo. It was meant to strike fear in the hearts of all the would-be lawbreakers, as if saying “criminals beware.” The Roman guards, keeping watch over the victims, would supply them with sour wine mixed with numbing medicines to keep them alive as long as possible. The incentive to the drink was that the numbing medication took away some of the pain of the victim. So while you lived longer in such a condition, you also felt less pain. Furthermore, crucifixion was reserved for the worst of criminals. Normally, Roman citizens could not be crucified. Only foreigners that have committed heinous crimes could be crucified, including Jews.[2] Therefore, for a Roman centurion to see a man die within six hours of initially being nailed to the cross would be very rare. I would argue that it was so rare that it took the guard by such surprise so as to open his eyes to see that Jesus was the man he said he was.
Second, when Jesus died by crucifixion, he left an imprint no one else did when they were executed in such a way. Matthew, in his gospel, records certain miraculous effects that took place at Christ’s death, namely, that (1) the curtain of the temple was torn in two, (2) the earth shook, (3) the rocks were split, (4) tombs were opened, and (5) the saints who had died were raised to life and appeared to many (Mt. 17:50-54). Matthew writes, “When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, ‘Truly this was the Son of God!’” His eyes were opened to see the miracles as being linked to Jesus’ death and not some coincidental chain of events.
The point is this: the death of Christ surrounded a hardened, government-sanctioned executioner with such awe that it melted his heart and caused him to praise the one, true God. The good news is that since Jesus offered his life for those who took part in nailing him to a tree, he most certainly offers it to those 2000 years later who, in a different way, took part in the same act. While you may have made people cry, hide, fear, contemplate or even commit suicide, Jesus offers forgiveness. While this doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility in the matter(s) (you must make justice complete with those who you have wronged by seeking reconciliation through the process of asking and living out forgiveness), it does clear your guilt before God and gives you a new heart and desires to do good and to start down the path of making right the wrongs you have committed against others. Look to Christ. Be overwhelmed by his tremendous sacrifice for such a sinner who despised his Maker and looked only after himself. Repent and be restored. Then, go seek restoration with those whom you’ve wronged. May God bless you richly in Jesus Christ.
[1] A “centurion” was a military commander in charge of about 100 soldiers.
[2] All information on crucifixion taken from J.B. Green, “Death of Christ I: Gospels,” in The IVP Dictionary of the New Testament, under section title “Crucifixion in the Ancient World,” (Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2004), 265-66.
Last week we considered how bullies abuse both people of God and the power that belongs only to Jesus, which he earned through his perfect life and sacrificial service. This week we will look at two other aspects involved in bullying: its extent and its judge.
“For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it,” All of the Ten Commandments are linked together. As James wrote above, if you break one, you break them all (Jas. 2:10). What bullies need to understand is that the act of harassment is not simply an act that violates one law. It is an act that violates every law. (See figure 1) Further, in violating every law, it violates what the Law points to, namely the holiness of God.
Potentially, one could argue that a better name for bullies could possibly be “murderers.” As you can see in Figure 1, one broken command is linked to all others. So, along with murderer, we could also add coveter, liar and slanderer, thief and robber, abuser of both relationships and time, one who brings shame instead of joy, scoffer, idolater, and ultimately, God-hater. “Bullying” is much worse than what the word makes it out to be. And what is true of bullying is just as true for every other sin. I write this not to shame or guilt bullies into anything, but to remind them that what may seem to be a little thing, is actually monumental to a holy God. We must have our eyes opened to the fact that sin is not a little thing in the eyes of an infinitely holy God, but is instead an infinite offense. One violation to His standard, in fact, violates all His standards, and does so infinitely. Therefore, if you call God your Creator and name Jesus Christ at your Savior, it would be good for you to think on these things, and not suppress them any longer. Spend time thinking over passages like Romans 1:16-32, 1 John 1:5-2:11, and James 2:8-13. Pray that the Lord would open your heart to understand these truths and ask that He make them applicable to you, that you might truly live out the purpose for which you were made.
“There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” In this passage, James addresses some Christians who are showing partiality to the wealthy and neglecting the poor. This led to many in the various churches getting angry, even to the point of fighting and quarreling with each other! James even has the audacity to call them “adulteresses” because of their passion for worldly things over their passion for godly things. Yet, James does not leave them with such a pronouncement of guilt without leading them to a solution. It would be absurd for a doctor to tell a patient they have a treatable kind of cancer, but then fail to mention the treatment. How much more absurd would it be for James to tell his readers of their spiritual cancer without pointing to an eternal solution for their lives! In this cluster of twelve verses in chapter four, James leads them through three phases. First, he lets them take a good, painful look in the mirror to show them the extent of their sin. The cares and stuff of the world blinded them to seeing their ugliness and wickedness. Sin was destroying them (4:1-4). But then, he reminds them of the word of God. Specifically, he reminds them that their life is not their own, but was a gift from God, for which he yearns jealously (4:5), and that God gives a grace that is greater than all their sin (4:6). Because of these Scriptural truths, James, thirdly, calls them to repentance (4:7-12). Specifically, James calls them to submit to God, to draw near to God, to turn their evil behavior into sincere repentance, and adds practical ways to change their behavior in verse eleven. At the end of this lies one very important reminder, “there is only one lawgiver and judge.” It’s as if he is saying, “Remember, there is one far more powerful than you. His judgment is the one that counts. Remember.” While the thirst for power, self-esteem, self-image, and popularity is always tempting, we must remember that sin always promises much (Gen. 3:6), and always delivers little (Gen. 3:7-10). We must not let temptation become so hungry that we sink our teeth into other people’s livelihood, and drain them like a parasite that we might have a more “fulfilled” life. Remember, there is only one, true judge. He is also redeemer. His judgment is the only one that matters.
Next week we will finish up this section of our blog by looking at one more aspect of bullying from the bully’s perspective: Jesus’ rescue for bullies.
There are several things that could be mentioned here, but since space is of the essence, we will only explore four vital areas the Bible shouts to those who are taking part in bullying others: (1) the abuse of people and power, (2) the extent of bullying, (3) the fact that there is only one judge, and (4) an ever-open invitation to repent.
“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” What is important to understand is that those whom you bully are just like you – they were created in the image of their Creator, just as you were. There is one Creator God, and we were all made in his image, to be his image-bearers to the ends of the earth. Our original purpose was to spread his purity, glory, love, and order throughout His created world (Gen 1:26-31). Each person is highly valued in His sight. He cares for His creatures. Therefore, bullying (or harassing or abusing) is a form of blasphemy against your Creator. The one who made you, knows you closer and deeper than you know yourself, and the one who provides each heartbeat, breath, and proper functioning of each atom of your body, is the ultimate one whom you are targeting. Each time you use your beating heart, your vocalized breath, your hands and feet to abuse the life of another made in the image of your Creator, you are breathing threats against Him. This is very unwise and not profitable for you. Furthermore, it shows a deeply-rooted carelessness and ignorance of God’s grand design in His creation. Losing awe over God’s creation is the first step on the path to abusing it. This includes humans. This ironically shows that the one who suffers most from your abuse is you in at least two ways. First, you intentionally mock your God and Creator who supplies your every need – though He is not required to. Second, you take part in blinding yourself to the glory of His creation, and therefore, to the glory of His essence. Simply put, you are missing out on living an abundant life filled with joy and satisfaction, through Jesus Christ – God’s merciful provision to abusers and slanderers.
Not only is the abuse of people an issue, but also an abuse of power. We are all drawn to power, for as we were created in God’s image, we fell from that glory to a selfish and lost mentality and status. Therefore, while we are drawn to power, we have impure motives for obtaining it and using it. In order to bring us to an awareness of power properly wielded (and to expose our abuse of such power), Jesus Christ, who is both fully God and fully man, came and, instead of dominating people, served their needs. In Philippians 2:1-11, Paul paints a picture of how we are to act, which he ties directly to who Christ is and what he has done. His main points lie in verses 3 and 8, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves…And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Here, we see the God-man, Jesus Christ, who could have ruled over earth with an iron fist, becoming obedient to the point of death – dying for the ones who sinned against him! Surely he who had possession of all the power would have exercised that power better than dying! But there is no greater power than this – that he who has it would give it up, for the sake of his friends. And this is the connect Paul makes in verse 3, “count others more significant than yourselves.” We wrongly use power to put others down to lift ourselves up to impress our peers and look good. In so doing, we have such a lust for power, that we forget about people being made in God’s image and our foundational purpose to serve each other as Christ has served us sinners. This passage in Philippians ends with victorious irony – the one who subjected himself to servanthood is now the Only Powerful King over all creation – everyone, everywhere, everything, every time.
Within the last point is this essential truth: Christ has all power, not you. What this means, then, is that, while you believe you are exercising power over another, there is one far greater who is exercising power over you. Paul states the fact in Colossians 1:16, “For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities – all things were created through him and for him.” The passage goes on to say that not only did Christ create them, but he also is ruling above them. If this includes powers such as “rulers or authorities” over nations, it most certainly means all those under them – meaning you and me. Therefore, it is for your benefit that you recognize that while it seems you are at the top by putting others down, you are really at the bottom of an infinitely long chain of command. But if you would rather settle for relative popularity in this life, be my guest. Don’t expect it to last long, but expect the punishment to be with you the rest of your life – and possibly eternity. The beauty here is, that Jesus obtained this power by becoming a servant who sacrificed his life that abusers and slanderers could believe on him, embrace his truth and sacrifice, and be restored to living in a right relationship with God our Creator. Why fight your way up the ladder through abuse when true life is found in sacrificial service?
Next week we’ll try to take up the second aspect listed above – the extent of bullying.
Many reports storm the news, magazine articles, blog entries, facebook accounts, and even local and federal government policies, concerning bullying.[1] Anti-bullying movements are cultivated and, ironically, use aggressive tactics to solve this ever-increasing difficulty.[2] Schools are trying to keep the outbreak in check with various programs, moralistic appeals, and trying to create a “positive school climate.”[3] In fact, the first book published on preventing cyberbullying and “sexting” (entitled, “School Climate 2.0: Preventing Cyberbullying and Sexting One Classroom at a Time”) was released on April 10, 2012. At the time of writing this, every state, except Montana, has a bullying law in place in order to protect and give justice to those who are victims. While there is currently no federal law against bullying at this time, action is being taken.[4]
Despite all this attention (as good as it may appear), efforts seem not to be working. Today, 52 percent of kids report seeing bullying at least once a week,[5] and 43 percent of teens have been victims of cyberbullying in the last year.[6] With the major development of various social media venues over the past decade, bullying is soaring to new heights, taking what is done in school buildings to students’ own bedrooms. Furthermore, the induction of bullying into the cyber realm has paved the way for bullies to access more information through all the different social media venues including directions to their home address, current location, phone number, email, and other social media accounts – all aiding the bully (or bullies) to have a direct link to their target.
With an increasing number of teens suffering from bullying in public and private school systems[7] (not to mention at home and work), what must a Christian think about such things? Is there a category for bullying in the Bible that we can draw from and apply? How does a Christian handle being the target of bullies? Should we step into a situation where we see others being bullied? Could we be the bullies?
In this series of articles, I will try to make apparent how Scripture guides us to think about bullying from three different angles: the bully, the bullied, and special cases. At this heart of this, I am operating off the premise that bullying is a direct mockery of God, since all people are made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-27; Jas. 3:9). Ultimately, it should be seen as a form of abuse.
Before beginning, it would be wrong for me to say that this is only one-sided – that is, 52 percent of teens are being bullied – without mentioning that those same kids may be bullying others too. In other words, we must be careful, when we think of bullying on a large or narrow scale, to slide into a “victim mentality.” With all the hype over bullying, there can come a mindset cultivated in students’ minds that do not help them in the real world. They begin to see anyone who poses a threat to be “the man” and therefore, must “stick it to them” in some way (whatever that means). Students in this position are constantly encouraged to see themselves as “victims,” and therefore, devoid of any guilt or responsibility in the matter, when in fact, every thought, response, or reaction is measured by Christ’s perfection. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the action being taken towards bullying must avoid being unidirectional. This must be seen as more of a two-front war, understanding the fact that both the bully and the bullied are sinners. This truth must guide our thinking and interaction concerning this topic. The bully is one who wants to invoke fear and pain while nurturing a low self-image and self-worth. The bullied is one who could potentially react to their hurt in a myriad of sinful ways, from self-harm (cutting, suicide) to self-protection (slander, murder) and everything in between. Therefore, this series will try to deal with both the bully and bullied in their biblical self-portrait: fallen image-bearers, offered redemption in Christ, on their life-path to their eternal destination.
In the 1530s, “bully” meant “sweetheart.” In the 1600s, bully began deteriorating from “fine fellow” to eventually “harasser of the weak.” In 1710, the verb was coined and tethered to the negative form of the noun. Thus, we call those who harass others “bullies.”[8] However, the term “bully,” I believe, is inadequate and should be replaced with a more suitable word for the act (perhaps something like “harasser,” “abuser,” or “slanderer”). Nevertheless, addressing terminology does not properly address and attempt to provide guidance in a situation. What does the word of God tell us? Next week, we will take a look at how it addresses bullies, themselves.
[1] For an interesting example of a federal approach, see CNN’s article, “Obama anti-bullying message called ‘symbolic.’ http://articles.cnn.com/2010-10-22/politics/obama.bullying_1_anti-bullying-dan-savage-president-barack-obama?_s=PM:POLITICS (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[2] For an ironic and self-defeating take on anti-bullying campaigns, Dan Savage gives a model message. http://thegospelcoalition.org/mobile/article/tgc/anti-bullying-speaker-attacks-bible-christian-teens (warning: explicit language used in video).
[3] Sameer Hinduja, “Cyberbullying and School Climate.” Cyberbullying Research Center. http://cyberbullying.us/blog/cyberbullying-and-school-climate.html (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[4] Sameer Hinduja and Justin W. Patchin, “A Brief Review of State Cyberbullying Laws and Policies.” Cyberbullying Research Center. http://www.cyberbullying.us%2FBullying_and_Cyberbullying_Laws.pdf (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[5] Bullying Prevention. Ncpc.com. National Crime Prevention Council. http://www.ncpc.org/newsroom/current-campaigns/bully-prevention (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[6] Cyberbullying. Ncpc.com. “Stop Cyberbullying Before It Starts.” National Crime Prevention Council. http://www.ncpc.org%2Fresources%2Ffiles%2Fpdf%2Fbullying%2Fcyberbullying.pdf (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[7] Fourteen percent of students, ages 12 through 18 reported being bullied during school in 2001, a proportion that increased to 32 percent in 2007. In 2012, 52 percent report seeing bullying. For more information like this, see http://www.childtrendsdatabank.org/?q=node/371 (accessed: May 11, 2012).
[8] Bully. Dictionary.com. Online Etymology Dictionary. Douglas Harper, Historian. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bully (accessed: May 10, 2012).
Last week, we looked at the topic of singleness through two categories of ethics: character and duty. This week we will continue to look at this topic through two more categories: goals and wisdom. All this is founded upon the completed work that Christ has done on our behalf. This completed work, as seen in Ephesians 2:1-10, redeems us and repurposes us for the life he has planned for us.
Our goals while we are single are to reflect what God has already planned for us to pursue. They need to be rooted in our identity of Christ and conform to the character of Christ (cf. Mt. 5:3-12). They need to reflect our call to be disciples and make disciples (cf. Mt. 28:18-20). They need to be rooted in God’s priorities for his servants (Mt. 6:33). Certain diagnostic questions could be asked and entertained in order to seek to align our goals with our Savior’s directives.
Men could ask themselves questions like:
Likewise, women could ask themselves questions like:
There are two other categories that could be commented on here: personal purity and prolongation of marriage. Concerning purity, the question could be asked, what do you long for above all things: the benefits of a spouse or the pursuit of godliness? Further, how are you factoring in Mt 5:8 into your thoughts about and pursuit of a helpmate? Multiple times, we are called to flee impurity and idolatry, and to replace such desires with ones that would honor God. Since we are no longer children of darkness of sons of light, we must put off all inklings to indulge in pornography, sexual fantasy, scenario creation, searching eyes, and character creation, and put on purity, godliness, righteousness, and patience. (Rom 13:11-14; 1 Cor. 6:12-20; Eph 4:17-32; Col 3:1-17; 2 Tim 2:22)
Briefly concerning the prolongation of marriage, the simple goal if we have desire for the opposite sex, is to get married. It would be sinful to indulge the desire without going about it in the God-appointed way of marriage. Reasons for putting off marriage or prolonging an engagement should be strictly held up to the lens of Scripture and counsel should be sought with parents and pastors in order to be tested and the people protected. (cf. 1Cor. 7:8-9, 32-38)
Concerning wisdom, I will offer just a few points and reflective questions.
A wise teacher once said, “The Christian life is rooted in character, grounded in duty, and paved for human flourishing.” We will briefly survey the topic of Christian singleness within this fourfold grid, namely: duty, character, goals, & wisdom. In this post, we will only look at the first two. While I try to provide insight into this issue, I acknowledge that I struggle at resting in God’s grace during my time as a single male. So read with knowing that the writer is a work in progress under their loving Shepherd who perfectly guides His sheep, sometimes by gently leading them, and other times by breaking them. May we be broken, that we might be led by our perfect Savior Jesus.
There are three foundational things to see in this passage. First, if we are in Christ, we have been made alive together with Christ. We have a new nature, distinct from the world, in order to shine the glory of God in the world. Second, our new hearts were created to live in the grace of God by faith. Finally, we are to busy ourselves, not with guessing the “who” and “when” questions, but with doing those things that God has prepared for us to do beforehand.
These foundational gospel truths are applicable in three ways. First, we singles who strive for a Christ-like character must act according to our new nature. Instead of being rooted in a merit, worry, or egocentric worldview, we can realize that Christ is in control of all things, and that we need not worry about the “who” and “when” of a spouse. Further, we can realize that finding a spouse isn’t the ultimate thing we live for. Rather, we are called to live for the tasks God prepared beforehand. Our foundational task is seeking after the kingdom of God (Mt. 6:33). Marriage is not our ultimate purpose. Glorifying God is. Marriage is but an effective tool and means of grace to get us closer to our purpose. Finally, we cling to the promises of Christ, even when we can’t see them being manifested in our lives; even when we don’t understand our current status and the frustration it brings. We hope in that which is not seen. We acknowledge the Lord knows better than us. We continue on doing that which the Lord has provided for us to do throughout the day. We stop worrying about who and when we will marry.
Ultimately, Ephesians 2 takes the focus off our worries and reminds us of Christ’s ultimate provision. If God has created you for marriage (and I would argue that if you are passionate about being married, he has created you for marriage), then I believe that “he who did not spare his own son, but delivered him up for us all, how will he not, also with him, abundantly give us all things” includes a Jesus-loving spouse. To summarize, our identity and character in singleness should be the same if we were married – dead to sin, alive to Christ, period. This is the grid we now operate from when we think about using our singleness for His glory.
While I said, “The single person…need not worry about a spouse,” I do not mean that we are passive and just “let go and let God.” That’s a gross misapplication of Scripture. Instead, we begin embarking to do the foundational things each gender is called to do. When we look at Genesis 1-3 and the gender roles that God presents to Adam and Eve, and when Paul lays down insights to God-sanctioned gender roles in Ephesians 5:25-33 and Colossians 3:18-19, we can draw the basic idea that God has appointed men to be the active pursuers in seeking a spouse and that women are to be the active recipients of such pursuit.
This means that the men need to be less ignorant, passive, and effeminate than what our culture suggests, and women need to be less seductive, aggressive, or sheepish than what our culture suggests. This also means that men need to be good stewards of leadership, care, self-sacrifice, and self-control, while women need to be good stewards of submission, support, dependence, and work ethic. Both need to dawn wisdom, abandon manipulation, and have a greater regard for the other than themselves. This also means that both women and men need not wait until they start dating to develop responsible work patterns, spiritual maturity in Christ, and mortification of sin. Nor are men to fit themselves in the mold of popular Christian misconceptions of manhood by bragging upon their resolve to be godly. Stop bragging and live it. Nor are women to follow suit and be so “submissive” that they lock themselves in their rooms and just expect that guys will get the message and throw rocks at their bedroom window. Girls, make yourselves available. Guys, stop being effeminate or wrongly “masculine” and pursue the available girls.
While the last paragraph seems more direct than the one on character, I take us back to the opening line of this column and repeat that the Christian life is “rooted in character and grounded in duty.” Duty only thrives on our Christ-centered identity and Christ-aligned character. Because of the new identity we have in Christ due to his atoning sacrifice, we are called to think about these kinds of matters in a way that is in sync with our new nature. We will look next month at how these two things direct our goals and how all three are bathed in Biblical wisdom. As a matter of fact, what you just read under duty ought not to be read as rules, but as wisdom. We should ask ourselves, if this is where God has us going (goals) and this is who we are (character), how ought our conduct (duty) carry us there in a way that glorifies Him?
Being single myself, I cannot say anything authoritatively on the matter. I have failed at many relationships and am still learning from many dumb decisions I was too blind to see in relationships. Yet, God is so good and works all things for His glory and His people’s good. These are just some thoughts concerning dating and marriage that I am still learning about and hope to ever continue to learn about – well, at least from the perspective of a husband’s eyes…
If you search on “dating” in Google, in the first 10 hits, eight are different online dating sites promising you a perfect match, and two are articles that describe dating as a skill that must be crafted in order to achieve your desired outcome. In addition, a statement made by Dr. Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research and Development at eHarmony, provides a glimpse of our culture’s current view of dating: “You have to know who you are and what it is that’s important to you in a relationship because when you’re picking out a partner, it isn’t just about finding the best person out there, it’s about finding the best person for you.”[1]
According to Wikipedia, dating is “a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse…The most common sense is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they’re compatible…and who may or may not yet be having sexual relations, and this…is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.” [2]
If we collected all the data, this form of dating seems to convey conflicting ideas. It seems to be a time to manipulate, coerce, meet demands, and make compromises. If both people can manipulate and make compromises, they can find their way to relational bliss. It is a time to try each other out, leading to test-driving the marriage before we buy the ring. Dating someone steadily is seen as the ultimate point of a relationship over marriage since too many people who get married get divorces or lose some form of their individuality. Dating is superior than marriage because it is not ultimately binding, and therefore allows wiggle-room “just in case.” Besides, many of our parents that got married got divorces anyway. “So,” the reasoning goes, “we might as well not get married and avoid the hurt of a divorce.” This form of dating, it seems, is guided by feelings and ungrounded hopes.
Is it wrong to desire to be with someone? Generally speaking, no. As a matter of fact, it is innate in every one of us (save some with the gift of singleness, cf. 1 Cor. 7:6-8). God created a helpmate specifically for Adam (Gen. 2:20-25) and called it “very good.” Reflecting on the Genesis narrative, Paul writes in 1 Timothy addressing women teaching in church, “Yet she will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control” (2:15). The fact that Paul used “they” emphasizes that, together, Adam and Eve were created to image God. Each complements the other in how they were made to be image-bearers. Yet, our society today has placed certain definitions and demands upon dating that cause our view towards what is good to be both over-realized and distorted. At the start, we have two things going against us. Outwardly, we have the fallen world telling us what to think, do, and feel about dating. Inwardly, we have our hearts, still affected by indwelling sin, wanting to believe and foster the ideas and distortions of our culture.
When we come to dating, a question must be asked: What’s your purpose? Do you want to date just because you think she’s super hot? Do you want to date because he is the one thing that can complete you? Do you want to date because you believe that, in order to be worth something, you must have someone? Do you want to date solely to fill the void of loneliness?
So what is your purpose in dating? As you consider, the counsel and commands of Scripture must guide you: Mt. 5:5 – Are your heart motives pure or self-gratifying? Mt. 5:27-28 – Are you immersing yourself in an over-realized marriage by fostering fanciful thoughts and scenarios? Mt. 6:13 – Do you see dating as an opportunity to humble yourself before the Lord and acknowledge that you need Him to lead you and guard you in your relationship? Lk. 6:31 – Is your pursuit of that person geared toward doing what’s best for that person, or getting your felt needs met? Phil. 2:5-13 – Are you willing to abandon your pre-conceived notions about dating in order to learn with the other person what God will teach both of you?
Granted, many of these things are worked out both inside and outside a relationship. There is no way to figure it all out before you begin. Yet, there are many things one can do in preparation – not in the least bit pray like crazy. Pray the Lord builds you into a godly person, seeking after the roles and responsibilities he has distinctly gifted your gender. Pray the Lord builds your character to conform more to Jesus in how patient, compassionate, sacrificial, and forgiving he is. Pray the Lord would provide the person he would have for you before the foundation of the earth. Pray with all thankfulness that the Lord has given you this period of singleness and that you use this time in your life in a way that would please God in pursuing His reality and not your fantasy. As one enters into a relationship, doing so with friends and family involved shows that dating – contrary to popular belief – is not “you and me on an island without hindrance or consequence”, but rather “you and me in need of Jesus and Jesus’ Church as we see where he leads us together.” Ultimately, dating, and its desired end, marriage, are attestations to our God. That means everything before, during, and after dating (engagement and marriage) is designed to bring glory and honor to our one true God. This is the focal point. This is where we find most delight and satisfaction. Not from pursuing our desires born from attraction and ecstasy, but in passionately pursuing God’s glorification in our dating, engagement, and marriage.
Marriage, dating’s culmination, is a symbol of Christ and the Church, not the other way around. (Eph. 5:25ff.) In a culture where we don’t “feel fulfilled” unless we get married to “the one,” we can easily fall into the thinking that singleness equals God’s disfavor with you, or that He is just waiting to give you a helpmate and the thing that prevents Him is that you haven’t earned it yet. Paul comments on Genesis 2 in this passage and tells us that the mystery of marriage is that it is a picture of Christ and the Church. This lets us know that giving attention to the kingdom of God, not marriage is the primary focus in our lives. The question then changes from, “How do I find my fulfillment?” to “How do I pursue a helpmate as a citizen of the Kingdom of God?”
[1] http://www.uppermichiganssource.com/news/story.aspx?id=682940#.UQS1Nkq-22w
Taking a quick break from the series on the Great Commission, I thought I’d share something I wrote a while ago in a newsletter for our church, slightly updated…
“Last year (2011) Americans spent $62 billion on health club memberships, weight-loss programs, exercise tapes, diet soda and the like…But, by March, all effort has flopped.” [1]
Tobacco use is the leading preventable cause of disease, disability, and death in the United States. Between 1964 and 2004, cigarette smoking caused an estimated 12 million deaths, including 4.1 million deaths from cancer, 5.5 million deaths from cardiovascular diseases, 1.1 million deaths from respiratory diseases, and 94,000 infant deaths related to mothers smoking during pregnancy[2]
During the past 20 years, there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States and rates remain high. In 2010, no state had a prevalence of obesity less than 20%. Thirty-six states had a prevalence of 25% or more; 12 of these states (including Missouri) had a prevalence of 30% or more.[3] Of the 12 states that rank 30% or higher, the Midwest makes up 5 of those states (nearly 50%).
These are just a few of the stats that show us how we Americans view our bodies. But what motivates this? While it may involve a wide array of things, Mike Cosper identifies a primary root:
“This motivation cannot be limited to a single emotion or sin. But some combination of vanity, obsession with youth, and fear of death results in anxious discontent, a deep feeling of inadequacy and desperation for acceptance. We foolishly believe that if we could get skinnier, bulkier, younger, prettier, or stronger, we’ll be satisfied.”[4]
We see here two extremes: (1) too much care for your body (narcissism) or (2) too little care for your body (drug abuse, obesity, and related health problems). So the question must be addressed: How are we, as God’s children, supposed to understand, care for, and use our bodies?
God created us with bodies. We are not floating souls (Gen 1:27-31). God made us in bodies, He commanded actions in-step with our bodies, He provided sustenance for our bodies, and He called it all “very good.” We also must understand that God is for the body (1 Cor. 6:13b). God does not hate our bodies. Our bodies are not evil in themselves. A view touting that the body is the utmost of importance, or that it is of no importance are both extremes that we must avoid. In that case, the truth of 1 Cor. 6:13 is good to balance with that of 1 Tim. 4:8.
While God created our bodies to be good, our sin drastically affected that original status at the Fall. Now decay, disease, death, and unnatural desire plague us each day (Gen. 3:16-19). Two of these desires are discontentment and desensitization. We show discontentment when we think “I need to (lose 10 lbs, get ripped, get tan, get a $300 hair treatment, smoke a pack of cigarettes, etc.)…in order to be happy.” We replace the life-source of Christ with false ideals of contentment. The irony here is that while we are discontent with ourselves, we settle to fill up that discontentment with something that is, in itself, insufficient to fix our discontentment, thereby producing more discontentment. As C.S. Lewis wonderfully writes in The Weight of Glory,
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
We are desensitized to God’s intention of his created things when we give a loss of attention to our type of clothing, proportion of food, the contents of pop culture, etc., due to the overload of those very things. We fail to challenge what is common with the truth of God’s word. So each indulgence acts as a numbing agent, incrementally blurring and blinding us to the harmful effects of Christless pursuits.
But we have been redeemed by God for holy living (1 Pet. 1:15-16). This is not relegated to just “churchy” things, but to everything we engage in our lives. Since Christian ethics is essentially living in a way that seeks to mimic Christ in all things (and thereby put Christ on display for all to see and enjoy), and since God intentionally created us with physical bodies, we must seek to live in a way according to Christ with our physical bodies. We are stewards of our bodies. Therefore, issues like health-addiction, food proportions and comfort eating, tobacco and alcohol consumption, and the like matter to God.
Yet, so as not to get unhealthily overzealous and contentious with our views toward the Christ-centered care we should apply to our bodies, nor get too disheartened when our bodies fail us as we age, we must remember that as Christians, we await a day when our earthly dwelling will be renewed in new bodies fit for eternity (2 Cor. 5:1-5).
[1] From NY Times, “Your Recycled Resolutions Are a Boon for Business.” By Natasha Singer. Statistics from Marketdata Enterprises.
[2] Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, Office on Smoking and Health, Department of Health and Human Services. The Health Consequences of Smoking: What It Means to You, 2004.
[3] Ibid.
[4] From “Grace-Motivated…Dieting?” By Mike Cosper. thegospelcoalition.org/blogs
Writing Out Loud 